So Adam told me he wanted to date me back in August/September, but I told him I wasn’t ready for a relationship. (I really wasn’t.)
Things got awkward.
We didn’t really talk for all of the fall/winter, and there was the added awkwardness that I got a boyfriend.
Last weekend, I finally messaged him and told him how I felt about the situation, and that I distanced myself because I didn’t want to hurt him.
So we decided to meet up.
He ended up leaving after 5 minutes of waiting for me because he wanted to go home and charge his phone.
I waited half an hour for him before I finally got in touch with him and found out.
I confronted him later about it, because I was mad as FUCK. And he blew it off and gave me the lame excuse that his phone was dying.
The ball’s in his court now. I tried. I can’t do anything more to salvage the friendship, especially because it seems that it never really was a friendship to begin with.
Did he create this “friendship” ploy in order to get me to like him?
I’ll never know and I don’t really want to know.
If I ended up marrying Amir, which I tell myself is highly unlikely, I could be a doctor’s wife.
A part of me is hoping we last long but at the same time, a part of me is reminding myself that he’s my real “first” and those ones aren’t supposed to stick around. I suppose in a few years he’ll probably be thinking about marriage, but in a few years I’ll be thinking about my career.
I’m not even sure why I’m thinking about this. He hasn’t even told me he loves me yet.
Anyway, there would be the obvious perks of being a doctor’s wife. But he already spoils me with affection and attention and that’s all I really want. I want to stay with him because of that. I don’t care what he becomes after med school.
I just want the same kind of affection and attention he gives me now.
That would make me happy.
The one thing I miss about being single is being sane.
The sanity of a single person is underrated.
When I get involved, all these emotions come out of me.
Everything sets me off. He might say something sweet and make me want to cry, or he might say something mean, jokingly, and I’ll get angry because I’ve gotten so damn sensitive. And I’m so emotional that I can’t discern what I should be mad about and what I shouldn’t be mad about.
Sometimes I even sit on the bus and I tear up because I’m sad that he might not be here for Christmas. Like, on-the-verge-of-tears kind of teary-eyed.
And I can’t watch heartwarming Buzzfeed articles of like soldiers coming home to their babies because I start bawling my eyes out.
WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME?! STOP THESE FEELS!!!!!
And I still have feelings for him.
“Maybe there’s something you’re afraid to say, or someone you’re afraid to love, or somewhere you’re afraid to go. It’s gonna hurt. It’s gonna hurt because it matters.”
– John Greene
Saturday is fast approaching and that means my talk with Amir is coming up really soon.
We’ve been texting and it’s back to normal, and he’s even making references to jacking off like he usually does, and he’s also sending me kisses and being affection like he used to be before things slowed down with us.
I don’t want to lead him on and a part of me wants him to know that just because we’re texting fine, doesn’t mean we’re fine.
But I love these perfect, affectionate moments we have and I DON’T KNOW WHAT TO DO.